


Better Day

by Ruskydoll



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7939225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruskydoll/pseuds/Ruskydoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something silly this way comes...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

  
“What fresh hell is this?” Shepard blinked stupidly at a ceiling. The last thing she remember was taking that rusty old diving rig into the abyss of Disponia and then everything went blank. Now she was laying down on something soft, and ceiling?  
  
“For fuck sake, did I die _again_?” she spoke to no one in particular, there was no one around to hear her anyway.  
  
A shrill beeping interrupted her monologue, Shepard squeezed her eyes shut and tried to shake off this strange feeling of disorientation.  
  
“ _Good Morning Shepard. Your itinerary for the day_ :” an electronic voice spoke cutting out the high-pitched noise abruptly “ _You have a meeting with Councillor Tevos at 12:00, Commander Bailey has sent a request for a ‘_ friendly chat _’ and finally your mentor has asked for your presence at the Spectre Office. Wishing you a good day Commander_ ”  
  
“Excuse me?!” Shepard spoke to the ceiling again.  
  
“ _There is no need to apologise_ ” the electronic voice answered.  
  
Shepard shook her head, but nothing was clearing up. _Will have to do this the hard way then_ she thought and sighed in resignation. She turned her head to the right, beside her she saw a bed side table cluttered with mugs and folders, a door leading god knows where. Shepard twisted the other way, a grey sofa piled with abandoned unironed clothes and a book shelf.  
  
_Huh._

She propped herself up on her elbows to get a better look at her surroundings. That soft thing she found herself on was in fact a giant bed of slightly odd configuration, the mattress was covered in horizontal slits, she prodded one with her finger, it sunk in deep into the mattress itself.

Shepard frowned _the hell is that for?? Moving on..._

The rest of the bedroom was fairly unremarkable, some pieces of quite pleasant modern art hung on the walls. The bookshelf was stuffed to the brim with novels, but apart from texts on galactic exploration, nothing stood out to her.

“VI?” she asked cautiously.

“ _You can refer to me as SAM Commander. How can I assist you today?_ ” the VI answered.

“SAM?” Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“ _Special Assistance Manager, yes. Proudly produced by Traynor Corp. How can I help you today Commander?_ ” SAM answered.

“Yes, er, right. Where am I SAM?” Shepard asked.

“ _You are home Commander. Citadel, Bachjret Ward. Floor 32 of the Araria Tower_ ” Sam said.

“Oh goodie” Shepard frowned, understanding just about nothing at all.

She swung her legs out of bed, the plush carpet was warm under her toes, she wriggled them enjoying the sensation, whilst the Normandy was a first class frigate, armed to the teeth with latest technology, it lacked certain creature comforts.

She stood up and walked towards the one door leading out of the bedroom, she tried it, it was unlocked. Shepard stepped into the adjoining room, it was a huge cavernous space, Citadel’s artificial sunshine pouring through gigantic windows taking up entire walls.

_Nice._

Soft lounge music begun pouring out of hidden speakers as soon as she stepped across the threshold.

_Very Nice._

The artificial fire was off, but the little coffee table just before it held a half finished bottle of wine, and two empty glasses glittered beside it. Cushions were strewn around the two sofas angled towards the panoramic view of the Citadel’s outstretched arms, more loose clothing littered the floor.

 _Am I really such a slob?_  
  
She ventured further into the room, to the her left was a spacious kitchen, on the counter was a vase full of Peonies, a note of cream coloured card was haphazardly stuffed into the bouquet.

Shepard pulled at the note, careful not to dislodge any of the delicate dusty pink petals. The card was of very high quality stock, meticulously folded in half so that each corner lined up perfectly together. The note was addressed to her.

It read:

_Sweetheart,_

_Had to leave early, sorry, did not want to wake you._  
_Shouldn’t be too late tonight. Maybe we can finish that_  
_bottle we, ahem, abandoned last night?_

_Don’t forget you’re meeting the hag today. Stay strong._

_Forever yours,_

_Cupcake_

 


	2. Exploration

Shepard turned the note over in her hands, the writing was not familiar to her, she furrowed her brow. She knew Garrus’ hand writing, at least she thought she did? Didn’t she? She shook her head, of course it must be him, who else would leave her love notes in her own apartment? She vaguely recalled calling him something like Cupcake once before, bakery, confectionery, warm, pleasant...something like that anyway.

_It will do._

She headed for the fridge. Just as she expected it was stocked full with boxes carefully labelled in her own hand ‘DO NOT EAT ME!’. ‘Remember what happened last time?!’, ‘You can’t be THAT hungry’. She opened one and sniffed.

_Ugh, Dextro._

She gingerly placed the box back into the refrigerator. Somehow the presence of dextro amino food settled her apprehension, taking the edge of suspicion which has been slithering somewhere in the background.

She wondered the apartment for a while longer, nothing looked out of the ordinary. Her own Black Widow and N7 gear occupied pride of place in a walk in closet come armoury, the office was decorated with model ships, Destiny Ascension, a Quarian Liveship, Turian Dreadnought and an Asari Cruiser were lit up by tiny spot light embedded into a jet black desk housing her personal terminal.

“ _Commander, polite reminder. Meeting with Councillor Tevos at 12:00_ ” SAM’s voice popped up out of nowhere echoing through the apartment making Shepard jump.

“I’m going, I’m going” she mumbled.

“ _You may wish to consider dressing, something with a high neck perhaps?_ ” SAM chimed in.

That intrigued her, she wondered into the closet, spotting a mirror.

Commander Shepard was staring back at her, hair a nest of fly aways, sleep still clinging to her eyes, a loose tank top hung off one shoulder...

_Shit._

Razor thin scratches flowed in graceful arcs all the way down to her collar bone, small punctures perforated her shoulder, tiny bruises blooming around each break in the skin.

_Shit shit shit..._

Shepard stared in abject horror at her own scared skin, clearly there was a reason Garrus never let it get that far. She has always secretly wanted him to, to see him loose control entirely, for him to let his inhibitions go. Now she wasn’t so sure.

“ _Shepard, the time is now 11:45_ ” the VI bleeped out the time.

“Christ on a bike Samantha, I am moving!” Shepard reprimanded.

“ _Commander, you may refer to me as SAM, if you wish to rename me, please consult the owners manual_ ” the VI’s cheerful voice answered.

_Who is Samantha? Where the hell did that come from?_

Shepard dressed quickly, jeans, jacket and a scarf pulled too tightly making the cuts and grazes lacing across her still tender skin prickle. She closed her eyes and shivered, pleasant warmth flooding her.

She baulked at her own reaction, and hastily dismissing this new development hurried for the door.


	3. Meetings

"Fashionably late again, Shepard" The Asari Councillor tapped a slender finger against the table, casting a critical eye over the Spectre.  
  
The Commander arrived at the Presidium Embassies at quarter past twelve, she somehow managed to got lost.  
  
"Apologies Councillor Tevos.” Shepard frowned ”When did you move office?"  
  
The Asari looked at her with bewildered curiosity. "Never, I've been in this office for the past 50 years."  
  
Shepard's frown deepened, _huh_ , she shook her head and dismissed her own misgivings. She was so intent on the little note surrounded by the fragrant peonies she must have missed a turn and came at the Asari's office from the wrong direction, a route she's never used before.

She looked up at the councillor who was examining Shepard with mild irritation.  
  
"Can we please get on?" Tevos pursed her lips "I am meeting with Sparatus...” she checked the time “in what is now 15 minutes"  
  
"Of course Councillor" the Commander inclined her head in deference, in a somewhat bemused tone.  
  
"Good. Now Commander, we have a delicate situation I would like for you to look into. It involves the Shadow Broker" Tevos tented her fingers and watched Shepard over the top, her gaze back to its usual screwed, calculating.  
  
Shepard raised an eyebrow "Shadow Broker?"  
  
_What did Liara do now? Since when she involved herself in Council affairs?_  
  
"Yes. He has obtained information which if it to come to light could jeopardise our efforts." Tevos spoke slowly "We need you to retrieve this information, _quietly_." She raised an eyebrow pointedly.  
  
Shepard chocked on a laugh.

 _Can you at least give me a challenge Councillor, beyond sending a quick message to Liara telling her to back off?_  
  
"What sort of information am I after Councillor?" She questioned politely to maintain the illusion.  
  
"It's pertaining Cerberus. The rest has been advised to your mentor who will brief you in detail. You are to go to Sowilo System, where intel tells me the Shadow Broker has a base." Tevos answered. "This is more of a formality, protocol"  
  
"Cerberus?" Shepard was taken a back. Liara would have informed her immediately if she had fresh info on the TIM's splinter cell, surely? Their machinations were costing her precious time and resources which could have been put to better use in their war with the Reapers.  
  
"Yes, your black ops has run into some complications, it would be a huge scandal for the Human embassy and the Council by proxy if we do not clear this up quickly. Now get going" the Asari answered with impatience, checking the time on her console once more.  
  
"No, wait, hold on. My black ops?!" The Commander stared at the Councillor in completed bewilderment.  
  
"Not your's personally Spectre. Your Alliance's. Now please do me the pleasure of watching you leave. I have much to do" Tevos' voice was laced with thinly veiled exasperation.  
  
"But they are a rebel group! They attacked the Citadel?! Udina was leading the coup against you!" Shepard stumbled. Her head was spinning, was the Councillor drunk? Tevos was there when Kaidan shot Udina, that's not something you forget in a hurry.  
  
"Shepard, what are you talking about? Donnel has never had any dealing with Cerberus, he is a diplomat. They are under the control of your Admiral Hackett, as they always were. No one has attacked the Citadel in 20 years..." Tevos frowned dumbfounded "Perhaps it would be prudent to take some time off, I will speak to the Council on your behalf"  
  
Shepard stared at Tevos her mouth agape, she struggled to formulate coherent words to express her complete befuddlement at the information. How could this possibly be right? _No one has attacked the Citadel in 20 years_ the Asari's words floated through Shepard's mind, refusing to mesh with her own memories.  
  
_What about Sovereign? The Geth? And Cerberus? I was there god damn it! I saw it, I fought it!_  
  
The office door hissed opened and admitted the Turian Councillor Sparatus, the man lazily observed Shepard with complete disinterest.  
  
"Ah Sparatus" the Asari greeted the Turian with a polite nod "the Commander was just leaving"  
  
Shepard didn't budge from the spot.   
  
"Have a good day Commander" the Asari said pointedly.  
  
Shepard blinked, she felt untethered from reality. She tried to marshal her mind, gain some understanding of what the hell was going on, but nothing fit. It was as if someone tipped out all the puzzle pieces and then blindfolded her. She was grasping for the shape of the truth but nothing fit.  
  
"Spectre. Leave" Sparatus spoke for the fist time.  
  
Shepard stared at him for a fraction of a second, his stern gaze finally snapping her out of her stupor "Yes sir" she fumbled a salute much to his chagrin.  
  
Her legs felt as if they were made made out of led, but she managed to stumble away out of the office.

 


	4. Substitutes

Still reeling from her meeting with Tevos, Shepard made her way slowly to the Spectre's Office embedded into the Embassies. Cerberus was under Alliance control? When did that happen? More importantly _HOW_ did that happen? And what about Sovereign's attack? Surely the council hardly needed to hide that one form her, she was there. None of it fit the story.. Come to think of it, she did not remember anyone even mentioning the Reapers? Something was terribly wrong.

_And who was I sent to see?_

Who was this mysterious _Mentor_ everyone refused to name _?_ She twisted and turned the unfamiliar word in her mind. Anderson would certainly qualify as a mentor of sorts but it was never anything official he was simply her superior officer, and all superior officers were technically mentors in some capacity. But the way the councillor referred to them, well it seemed much more than just a terrible moniker. She hoped who ever this person was they would at least answer some questions, such as what the actual fuck is happening, and what the ever loving shit is going on? One could dream.  
  
The door into the Spectre's office loomed before her, she felt a pang of involuntary excitement about who she would find behind it. Should she knock? Nothing made sense anymore, she felt adrift in the strange sea of both familiar and totally alien, like the SR2 when she first set foot on it, was both home and yet somehow foreign in its angles and curves which were both a replica and something entirely new. She resolved to just walk in, it was her office too, after all.  
  
The room was empty, the terminals blinked lazily in the half light, Shepard frowned looking around. Then she heard the shot. Her hand instinctively moved to her side arm. Another shot. It suddenly dawned on her that someone was at the shooting range, her grip relaxed, whoever she was meant to be meeting must be in there. Still,she moved cautiously towards the door, a few more gun shots sounded. Shepard inhaled and opened the door.  
  
A turian stood with his back to her, he wore heavy armour not too dissimilar to the old Kassa Fabrication Colossus which she had back in the day of chasing Saren half way across the galaxy, she could not see his face clearly as he was half turned but white clan markings wove their way all the way to the back of his crest. He unloaded a clip into the target, bullet after bullet hitting dead centre. Shepard was mesmerised even Garrus could never achieve that and he was a naturally gifted marksman even without his visor.  
  
“Shepard” the turian spoke softly without looking at her as the last bullet hit bulls eye.  
  
She froze, she knew that voice, but this couldn’t possibly be true.  
  
“You’re dead…” she whispered horror struck.  
  
“Why what have I done now?” Nihlus turned to look at her, his expression puzzled. “Did I forget to lock the door again?”  
  
“What door?” Shepard blinked stupidly, her brain was continuously screaming at her drowning out all intelligent thought.  
  
“The front door, there is only one door” he frowned at her confusion “Baby are you okay?”  
  
“B-baby?” Shepard took a shaky step back away from the turian.  
  
“Yes, right sorry, I know you don’t like that one” Nihlus run a hand down the back of his neck his tone apologetic “You haven’t answered my question though?”  
  
“Question?” Shepard just kept blinking like a deer in headlights.  
  
Nihlus cocked his head and closed the distance between them in two strides. His reached out, cupped her face, a thumb gently traced her cheekbone. 

“Shepard you are worrying me.” he looked into her eyes, his own green eyes were soft, full of genuine concern.  
  
It was if his touch electrocuted her, shocking her her from her daze, she stumbled away from him startled. Nihlus jerked away from her his eyes widening in surprise.  
  
“Honey what’s wrong? What’s going on?” he pleaded with her, but remained at a distance, too afraid to move.  
  
“But you’re dead… I saw you dead, Saren shot you… how… what…” Shepard regained the power speech though not perhaps the coherency.  
  
 “What?” Nihlus made a pained expression “Shepard what are you talking about? Saren is a low ranking bureaucrat after the incident. And I am most certainly not dead” he prodded a finger at his chest as if to reassure her. “See? Very real”  
  
She just stared at him, immobile in shock.

_Saren is alive?! Nihlus is alive?! What is this the night of the living dead?!_

Nihlus closed the distance between them and put a gentle hand on her arm.  
  
“Come on, let's go home, I think you need to sleep some more, you are talking nonsense, besides I can show you how real I am and there is that unfinished bottle it must be lonely by now” he spoke quietly, his subvocals purred, his voice seductive. He looked down at her drinking in her face, sighed softly and inclined his head brushing his forehead against hers.  
  
That was the last straw for her, she kicked out at him, smashing the ridge of her palm just bellow his crest, like Garrus showed her. Nihlus yelped in pain and jumped back.

“Shepards what the hell!” he yelled, still unsteady on his feet.

 

But the room was empty, she has already fled.

 


	5. The Real Deal

The Presidium lakes shone in the artificial sunshine of the station, Shepard observed the beauty of the Citadel with detachment, her mind was trying to process all that has happened to her since the moment she woke up. The quick succession of events churned in her mind, but gave away little of the truth that lay behind them.

She has somehow found herself in a different reality, or was the reality she thought to be genuine in fact fake? She closed her eyes and shook her head trying to shake facts by force into something that even vaguely resembled a coherent answer.i _When in doubt punch it into submission._ She may have chalked it up to one huge cosmic conspiracy where it not for the fact that Nihlus was alive. It was just about feasible that Cerberus brought him back just as they did with her, but that was a ludicrous idea, why would they, what would they gain from such a thing. And then feign to be working for the Alliance? Why? That didn’t seem right.

There were too many unanswered questions. She tried to lay out the facts. Saren was alive, so was Nihlus and apparently her lover, and Udina was never shot by Kaidan. Cerberus was under Alliance control, the attack on the Citadel never came. Most importantly though the Reapers never appeared here, it seems that Saren never found Sovereign, never recruited the geth. In her head it all added up to one idyllically peaceful galaxy, with only the standard inter race animosity sprinkled amongst all the frolicking. Which was nice, she supposed, but it also meant that _here_ she was just a Spectre. But where was _here_ exactly? Something was nagged at her, a scratching in the back of her mind that she couldn’t quite quieten, it was all just a little too peaceful, a little too happy to be real. And suppose it was real, then was she the one who was deluded? Did she really dream up all the Reaper crap? If that was the case she could only commend her imagination, that was some impressive nightmare factory she conjured up.

Shepard’s biggest obstacle in her quest to understand the insanity around her, was that this wasn’t her job. She was a brilliant tactician, soldier and leader, but much of the Normandy’s success rested on delegation. Liara was a wealth of knowledge, Tali brought engineering expertise, James served as welcome break from the bleak and Kaidan was the brakes on the entire train wreck.

And then there was her turian. She needed Garrus now more than ever, and not just because he was one of the best detectives in C-Sec, but because she needed her safe harbour, a sanctuary from the insanity that threatened to swallow her whole.

Shepard sighed, bellow her couples promenaded by the shimmering lakes, making her wistful for a life she’s never had, a peaceful normal life, without endless mortal danger, without the constant background ticking of a doomsday clock marring even the happiest moments of her life. She wished Garrus was with her now, wished instead of standing here alone, he would stand beside her, entwine his fingers with hers, and look into her eyes and tell her without saying a word that she will get there. Besides her run in with Nihlus brought up all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts, she needed _her_ turian.

She resolved to find him, whoever he was _here_. Refusing to backtrack to the Spectre’s office for fear of running into Nihlus again she tried the remote connection instead. She keyed in his name holding her breath, a file popped up, it was short but it was all she needed.

 

**_Name_ ** _: Garrus Vakarian_

**_Rank:_ ** _Detective Citadel Security_

**_Affiliation:_ ** _Turian Hierarchy, C-Sec, Archangel Task force._

So he was still on the Citadel, her heart skipped a beat when she realised how close he really was, just a few streets away from where she stood. A smile blossomed on her lips.

 

 

She wasn’t sure exactly where he would be, but SAM did mention that Bailey still ran the show on the Citadel, he must know where his detectives were. Shepard half run to C-Sec, it was hard to contain her excitement, the thought of seeing Garrus always reduced the otherwise dignified war veteran into a babbling idiot.

“Hey, Vakarian! Good one last night, you nailed the sucker good!” someone shouted making Shepard stop in her tracks on the concourse leading up to the C-Sec headquarters.

“Thanks Vlasko, next time I would like some warning though” a painfully familiar voice answered making her hair stand on end.

Shepard spun around wildly looking for the source of the banter. On the other side of corridor, a turian was propping up a wall, playing with a bullet casing between his fingers, blue clan markings she knew so well decorated his face, marking that she’d spent hours tracing with her fingers, trailing kisses along them in the dead of night, marking that she could retrace from memory alone.

Garrus Vakarian appeared before her in all his glory.  

Relief flooded Shepard at the sight of her turian.

_Oh thank fuck for that!_ She exhaled grinning.

“Garrus!” she yelled out joyfully running towards him before he even acknowledged her.

“Commander Shepard” the turian sneered as she skid to a halt in front of him. “What the hell do you want?”

The hostility in his voice rooted Shepard to the spot, for the 10th time in the past 3 hour.

“What?” she blinked at him totally blindsided.

“Oh I am so sorry oh great Spectre, did I not pay enough reverence to your almighty title?” Garrus mocked, his face was full of derision and complete disgust. 

“Garrus, it’s me!” Shepard stuttered.

“I know perfectly well who you are” he answered haughtily crossing his arms and looking down on her “you’re that bitch that doesn’t care who she steam rolls over, as long as she gets results”

“Umm no, I am you sodding girlfriend you ass, and thanks for that last one” Shepard snapped in anger “The hell you think you’re doing?!”

The turian burst out laughing “You?  ** _YOU_**? My girlfriend?! I would rather be fed alive to rabid varen than come anywhere near you.”

“Wow…” was all that came out before Shepard punched him with enough force to down a krogan, the noise reverberated along the now silent corridor.  

“ARE YOU INSANE!” Garrus screamed his subharmonics going haywire, cradling the struck mandible in his hand.

“No” her heart pounded as the adrenaline rushed through her “But I believe there is something very wrong with you”

Garrus balled his hands into fists, his rage palpable, he stared at her, his eyes speaking the ten types of murder he was planning to enact on her.

Shepard swayed on the spot in utter disbelief.

“I should go” she muttered before turning around and shakily walking out.

 


	6. Differences

She curled up in corner wedging herself between the sofa and the bookshelf that dwarfed the room. She hugged her knees, her breath laboured, vision blurred. Her mind was careering, jumping from one thought to another. His words lashed out at her, each phrase leaving a deep, puckering scar across her heart. Somehow she never even considered that Garrus _here_ wouldn’t be her Garrus. She could never even imagine him being cruel, least of all to her. She has seen twenty type of strange in that one day, but this tipped her over the edge. It destroyed her in a way that nothing ever has, she has survived through death, her own and of those she loved, she has survived through a city crumbling around her, but she didn’t think she could endure the pain that paralyzed her now. Garrus was always her one constant, her guiding star in a galaxy stacked against her, take that away and she was totally lost in the brutal reality of her situation.  She crumbled dissolving into rasping tears.   
  
_How could you... how... we were made for each other damn it…_

_“Commander, Master Kryik is home, I have unlocked the door for him”_ SAM chirped to her.

She inhaled, trying to make herself as small as possible, pulling her knees closer to herself in fear of discovery. She did not dare to breathe.

“Shepard?” Nihlus’ voice drifted from the hallway.  
  
The turian appeared at the threshold of her refuge, he looked down at her, his eyes dilating mere seconds before he fell to his knees by her side.  
  
“Love” he whispered reaching out to her to wipe away her tears.   
  
She shrank back shivering from his outstretched fingers.  
  
Nihlus froze one hand half way to her.  
  
“Please talk to me” he begged, pulling his hand away slowly, carefully, as if from a frightened animal.  
  
Shepard looked into his eyes, her own reflection looked back petrified.  
  
“I don’t...” she swallowed “I don’t know what’s happening any more. This isn’t right, none of it is right...”  
  
“Explain” his voice was strained.  
  
“Why are you here? Why am I here? It’s all wrong... I should be with him not you...” she sobbed “But he... but he...”  
  
His eyes hardened to steel “Who?”  
  
“Garrus...” she chocked on her own tears.  
  
“Vakarian?” the crushing pain in his eyes was unmistakable.  
  
“There is no Shepard without Vakarian...” she whispered before dissolving into silent tears. Saying his name hurt, as if an iron clamp encircled her ribs and squeezed all air out of her.   
  
"How long?" Nihlus asked quietly.  
  
"How long what?" She hiccupped trying to regain some control but Garrus’ brilliant blue eyes swam before her, intensifying her pain, setting her off into more violent tears.   
  
"How long has this been going on Shepard? I need know" his tone was cold, but his eyes reflected an unmeasurable anguish. "I need to know how long you've been lying to me"  
  
"I haven't lied to anyone! You should be dead! I've met you once for all of 3h!" outrage suddenly blinded her, indignation at the accusation making her forget the tears.    
  
"Shepard. We've been together for 4 years, can you please have the decency not to take me for a fool!" His voice rose in answer.  
  
"But we couldn't have been! I've been dead for 2 years! You've been dead for 4!" She sprang to her feet. "I saw your brain smeared across Eden Prime! I checked no one can survive missing half their fucking head!"  
  
Nihlus rose from the ground gracefully following her, he frowned and looked into her eyes "Shepard, sweetheart, Eden Prime... Spirits, Eden Prime was just a routine shakedown run, it's where I recruited you to the Spectres. We went in, got the beacon and left... Nothing happened! I was most certainly not shot, least of all in the head! In fact no one shot at all, the locals looked at us funny but that's about the extent of it"  
  
Shepard half expected this, but to hear it confirmed so directly made her pause.

  
"But the Geth, the Dragons Teeth, Husks, Reapers…" She frowned.  
  
Nihlus balked "The Geth haven't been seen beyond the Perseus Veil for centuries,  and the rest of it? I don't even know what those words mean!"                                                                                                       

“Of course you don’t” Shepard closed her eyes in resignation.

“You still haven’t answered me” Nihlus inhaled, every word costing him a lot of effort “How long have you and… and… him, how long have you been doing this?”

Shepard’s rage abated, she could physically feel his pain now. To the Nihlus here, she was a lover, she was his everything, just as Garrus was to her…

_Garrus…_ she hiccupped, tears once again rolling down her face, but the pain was dulled, the violent spasms of betrayal lessened.

She swallowed “Promise me you will hear me out first.” 

Nihlus nodded grimly. 

"I'm not your Shepard" she said "At least I don't think I am"  
  
"Spirits, what are you talking about!" His voice was shaking subharmonics keening. "Of course you are, you are my Clara Jane Shepard. We met on the Normandy 4 years ago, I didn't trust you as far I could throw you, but you broke me, you demolished any barrier I threw against you. You spoke to me when no one else could see beyond the Spectre markings, you trusted me with your life, willingly. You believed in a better me. You stayed up all night when I was injured on Illium, you're the one that made the entire Council bend to your will when they sent me to Tuchanka. We kissed on top of the Presidium you tasted like champagne..."  
  
He trailed off wrapping his arms around himself, trying to hold it all in. Shepard felt an intense pang of guilt, she wanted to reach out to him, she was destroying him, but he needed to understand.  
  
"No, I am Clara Jane Shepard, who went on a shakedown run with Spectre Nihlus Kryik, and found Reapers lurking in dark space. I walked out of Eden Prime but my Nihlus did not. I am the Shepard that run across the Galaxy after Saren Arterius. I am the one that avenged you" She swallowed knowing the blow was near "I'm the Shepard that laid all her trust in Garrus Vakarian, the one that realised too late, the one that found him bleeding out in her arms and crumbled at the thought of a galaxy without him. I am the one he kissed on the eve of the Suicide Mission, I'm the one that he held as the world crumbled around us"  
  
Nihlus let out a sound so full of misery, she could no longer ignore it, she rushed towards him as he swayed on the spot, but he stuck up a hand halting her, not wanting her near.  
  
"How could this be possible?" he begged her "I know you, I know you have tiny freckles spilling from your hip, and you smile when I trace constellations in them... You laugh at romance vids, you named your BlackWidow Aurora, you love the viewing deck of the Normandy. You love me damn it!"  
  
"Nihlus" she whispered "I'm sorry"  
  
"I need... I need to think" he answered his voice tense "Forgive me"


	7. Sugar

She didn’t remember falling asleep, she waited for Nihlus to come back, but he never did. Now she found herself back in the bed where this nightmare begun, sunshine was spilling though the window dappling her skin. She didn’t remember getting here either.

“ _Shepard, Good Morning_ ” SAM bleeped to life.

_Is this damn thing attached to my vitals or something?!_

“ _You have no appointments for the day, however Commander Bailey sent an urgent request to see you, he wishes to discuss your assault charges_ ” the VI announced casually.

_Ah shit, I decked Garrus…_

Her heart contracted at the memory, the blissful mist of sleep was clearing, yanking her back to her unpleasant reality. She swung her legs out of bed, there was no need to dress as evidently she never undressed in the first place.

Shepard frowned, remembering all that she had said to Nihlus last night, it seemed like a good idea at the time, but now in the clear light of day, with tears no longer clouding her judgement she regretted being as direct as she was. She needed to find him, apologise.

She needn’t have gone far.

Opening the door into the living room, she found the turian sat on the sofa, one long leg thrown over the other, engrossed in a data pad. A delicious smell of fresh coffee drifted towards her, she inhaled deeply savouring the earthy tones.

“Your coffee is on the table” Nihlus looked up at her briefly, gesturing towards the side table with his own mug. He seemed relaxed, no trace of the emotions that stormed through him the night before.

“Er… Thanks” Shepard wasn’t sure how to act, how precisely do you speak to someone whose heart you ripped out?

She settled on silence, for now, grabbed the mug off the table and took a sip, the coffee was delicious, her stomach growled in response to the warm liquid, reminding her that she has not eaten.

“There are pastries in the kitchen” he nodded his head towards the shining counters through a wide archway, without looking up from the data pad.

Shepard breathed in, she hasn’t felt this awkward for a long time, Nihlus was being incredibly accommodating, it was unnerving her, by all rights he shouldn’t even be here.

_Best case scenario he is plotting my murder, worst, there is already arsenic in the coffee._

She plodded to the kitchen obediently, a pink box tied up with white ribbon perched on one of the counter tops. Images of timers and cartoonish explosions filled her mind, she cringed pulling at the decorative bow.

Nothing happened.

She lifted the lid and gasped, the box did not contain explosives as she half-expected, but rather an assortment of tiny petite fours in all colours of the rainbow, sugared flowers and tiny golden stars glittered in the kitchen light. 

“I can’t eat this” she said baffled.

“Why not?” Nihlus called from the living room “You love those things… well, you did anyway”

Shepard grimaced, his voice wasn’t accusing, not even reprimanding, but it was one more reminder of their disastrous conversation from the night before.

“They are basically a work of art! It just feels wrong” Shepard answered in an unsure voice.

She heard him snort “Just eat the tiny cakes, we can always get more for you to frame”

The entire conversation felt surreal, it had such an air of domesticity about it, home comforts she was totally unused to. She swallowed, chasing away the tendrils of doubt.

She popped a little sugared square in her mouth, the lemon flavour of the sponge burst with a raspberry centre, she smiled indulgently, relishing the citrus flavours, the sugar perking up her starved body.

“Do you want one?” she asked through a mouthful.

She heard him laugh again.

“I can’t Sweetness…” he spoke, subharmonics vibrating. He faltered, winced at forgetting himself for a second, then continued in a more serious tone “I mean, it’s not dextro”

Shepard’s heart broke all over again, she recognised that purr of subvocals all too well, it’s was the same hum that Garrus made when he called out to her.

She made her way back into the front room, head bowed with guilt, carrying the box of confectionery with her, it would be a shame for it to go to waste. Picking out a tiny pouf, furthest away from the turian, she sat down gingerly. Nihlus ignored her, deeply involved in whatever was on the data pad.

The silence was deafening.

Shepard tried to eat another cake but it suddenly tasted of cardboard, her mouth dry, the texture all wrong. 

She sighed.

“I can’t remember going to bed” she tried for conversation.

“You didn’t, I took you there” Nihlus spoke matter-of-factly avoiding her eyes “You fell asleep in the arm chair. It didn’t look comfortable”

“Uhu” she nodded uncertainly “You stayed here all night then?”

He looked up at her then “I live here Shepard, I had nowhere else to go.”

“Oh…” her eyes widened in horror, how could she be so stupid. “Where did you sleep?”

“Here” his mandibles flared in a small laugh.

“Oh” she frowned.

Nihlus rolled his eyes, shaking his head with amusement.

“Shepard, listen, I am not going to bite. Not under these circumstances anyway” his eyes suddenly turned wistful, he shook his head to dislodge a memory “You can stop tip toeing around me.”

“Nihlus I’m sorry, I should never have had…” Shepard stumbled over her words.

“I believe you” he said simply, finally looking her directly in the eyes. 

Shepard stared “You do?”

“Yes” he answered. “Frankly, the story you’ve told me is so unbelievably ridiculous, well, a lie has a different quality to it.”

“And you don’t think I am just insane?” she exhaled almost relieved.

“Again, mental problems tend to exhibit themselves differently, Spirits knows I’ve had enough experience with both” he shook his head.

“As a Spectre?” she frowned in confusion.

He nodded in confirmation “From what I got from the story you told last night, you never got to be a proper Spectre, your “ _Reapers_ ” prevented you taking the role fully?”

“I had the authority but no standard assignments, no. Wasn’t quite a priority at the time” she said.

“It’s like being a really high ranking detective with a hell of a lot of power, people lie, squirm and try talk their way out, you get desensitised to lies pretty quickly” he explained.  

“Huh” she was fascinated. He was right, she never really was a Spectre in anything but name and authority, she still wasn’t quite sure what they did officially. Her run in with Jondum Bau on the Citadel was the closest she ever got to Spectre day to day, and even then his investigation was unusual.

“ _Shepard, Master Kryik”_ SAM beep to life again.

“Why does she keep calling Master?” Shepard flinched at the high pitched noise. 

“You thought it was funny, and I’ve never had the heart to change it” he answer “Maybe I will now.”

“Nihlus...” she attempted to apologise again. 

“ _Shepard, an urgent message for you”_ SAM interrupted her, making her glare at a little speaker she assumed was the AI. 

“’ _Shepard, what the hell do you think you are playing at?! Get your ass over here before the turian starts an interplanetary incident!’”_ Bailey’s irritated voice rang through the apartment. 

“Shit” she muttered. 

Nihlus frowned “What did you do?”

“May just have slapped Vakarian, hard...” she answered meekly. 

“Spirits, you realise his father is the Primarch!?” he stood up “Let’s go”

“Can I at least have a shower first?” she pleaded. 

“ _Commander Bailey is expecting you urgently”_ SAM piped up. 

“God I hate that thing!” she scowled at the speaker. “The real Sam is so much more personable.”

“If you’re fast, also, you are yelling at the stereo, SAM is over there” Nihlus burst out laughing pointing at the glowing dot just over the fireplace. 


End file.
